What are you afraid of?
When I ask this question, the answers vary:
I’m afraid my kids will make bad choices.
I’m afraid I won’t have enough money for retirement.
I’m afraid I’ll never get to do the things I really want to do.
I’m afraid things will never get better—in my finances, my marriage, my work, etc. etc.
Do you see what all these fears have in common?
All of them take place in the future, and guess what?
The future hasn’t happened yet!
Last year, I asked my friend Laura about her aspirational self, the future Laura:. It’s a question I like to ask because thinking about who we want to be and what we want to be doing is always a fun conversation starter—sort of like, “If you won the lottery, what would you do with all the money?” It’s fun to think about what could happen and what might happen.
If only…
And even though I always feel like I have to squeeze in a caveat—“Tomorrow is not a guarantee”—I still was able to get Laura to talk about her three favorite aspirational words: Faithful, Courageous, and Present.
You’ll see why these words are important:
On Christmas Eve 2013, Laura’s boyfriend proposed to her. In a little more than two weeks time, he was being deployed to Afghanistan.
“Do you want to get married now?” he asked.
“Now?” she said. “What about the dress, the bridesmaids, the party?”
All of that could wait.
They eloped, and what followed was a sweet time of secret matrimony—fully rooted in the present.
The future, while tinged with possibility, is also the place where our worst fears live, where the unknown grows and messes with our heads. For someone with a loved one in the military, those fears can feel extra scary. You don’t know exactly where they are, if you will hear from them, or when they are coming home.
You want to plan. You want to prepare. You want predictable outcomes you can control.
If only we could tell the butterflies in our tummies to “Go away and never come back!”
How many times have you heard someone who is facing something overwhelming say that all they can do is focus on what’s right in front of them? You say things like, “I could never do what you’re doing.” Or “I would never be brave enough to handle all that!” And it’s true, if you knew what the future held—in all its glory or in all its gory—you may not have the strength to face it. You’re better off not knowing what’s next.
The job change.
The diagnosis.
The loss.
Right now is the only thing that is true and real.
The past is regret.
The future is fear.
But the present is a gift.
So go ahead:
Dream your big dreams.
Laura and Trey have been married for six years and have a beautiful baby girl. They had a big surprise wedding nine months after their real one. And Laura doesn’t have any regrets. Doing the courageous thing—eloping—allowed her the freedom to be present for two weeks before Trey was deployed. And even though she’s not sure if her grandmother will ever forgive her for the secret wedding, I’m going to bet that Grandma already knows what we’re just now discovering—remaining faithful and present with the people you love is the most courageous thing you can ever do!
Now Laura says whenever she starts to think about the future, whenever those “what if” questions try to distract her from her current work, she tells herself to stay in the moment.
You are strong enough to handle what’s happening right now. In the present, what you have is always enough.
Some of you are like,
“Yeah, I know all that. I know I should be more present. But HOW DO I DO IT?”
Don’t worry—I’ve got you covered. Here’s three things you can do RIGHT NOW (See what I did there?)
1. Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness is simply a hyper-awareness of the present. Using all your senses, meditate on what you’re hearing, seeing, tasting, touching, and smelling. A favorite song or scent can bring you right back to the present by reminding you in an instant about what’s important.
2. Adopt a posture of gratitude. Thanksgiving is the recognition that what we have is enough.
3. Single-task your life. This one is the hardest. Multi-tasking wastes both time and energy because distractions are the enemy of productivity. But more importantly, divided attention voids your good intention. Be fully engaged with one thing at a time and you’ll find the present more accessible and enjoyable.
Fear wants to rob you of what you have now by diverting your attention to what hasn’t even happened yet.
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