Anything worth doing takes time.
That’s what they say, anyway.
You know this is true. There’s no such thing as a get-rich-quick-scheme that works. And diets that promise quick weight loss often backfire in time.
This is true of relationships, too.
Psychologists Julie and John Gottman are considered the foremost leaders on love and relationships. Dr. John Gottman is known as the “guy that can predict divorce with over 90% accuracy.” So when he talks about relationships, people tend to listen. One of his biggest lessons: The Magic Six Hours. He maintains that couples need about six hours of quality time together per week to ensure a lasting and healthy relationship.
This is good news for Gavin and me because we literally grew up on the “six hours a week” rule, as that was the number of hours my parents allowed me to spend with my boyfriend when I was in high school. Little did they know back then that those hours would become the bedrock of our happy and intentional marriage.
Six hours a week might be okay for two spouses, but most of us don’t have that kind of time to invest in other relationships that are important to us.
Turns out, we need just eight minutes to keep those relationships in tip-top shape.
You read that right. Eight minutes.
The Eight Minute Rule
Sounds too good to be true, right?
When my friend, Heidi, shared this information with me, I was skeptical. “Just eight minutes? A week? “
But she persisted. “It’s true,” she said.
And I did find corroborating evidence at the New York Times to validate her claim.
Sometimes I think we put off investing in friendships altogether because we simply can’t find an hour to block off for lunch or a night out. Factor in the time it takes to travel to your destination plus the added logistics of securing childcare and ensuring that everyone at home has what they need, and it just seems easier not to go anywhere at all.
But this isn’t healthy or advisable.
With a little advance planning, even our busiest seasons don’t have to be filled with loneliness.
I think we can all find eight minutes at some point during the week. That might be a hands-free call while you’re putting on makeup in the morning, prepping dinner, or sitting in the carpool line. I discovered that the trip from my house to my daughter’s school is exactly eight minutes, and I often use that time to send a Marco Polo to my friend, Melanie, or my sister-in-law, Stacee.
If you’re not familiar with Marco Polo, it’s a social networking app that allows you to send a video message to to your intended recipient. While it’s technically a one-way conversation, the beauty of this method of connecting is that my friend can listen to the message and then respond at her convenience. Trust me when I say that I am up-to-date on the latest happenings in both Stacee and Melanie’s lives. That we no longer live in the same town or have kids the same ages is irrelevant. No more excuses. I talk when I have time, and my friends listen when they have time. To be sure, we send and receive messages almost everyday because Marco Polo is both easy and convenient.
The New York Times article quotes heavily from Dr. Bob Waldinger, a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and the author of the book The Good Life: Lessons From the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness. He said that most busy people tend to think that in some unspecified future, they’ll have a “time surplus,” where they will be able to connect with old friends. Turns out, that time surplus rarely pans out.
He’s not wrong.
As we built our family and the kids got older, I too, thought I would have more time, but life gets in the way, and bigger kids have bigger problems. Their relationship drama, school pressure, and diverse extracurricular activities spill over into a sphere that overlaps mine.
It’s no secret that having a few close friends imbibes us with a sense of belonging and purpose. But did you also know that benefits include boosts to our self confidence and a reduction in stress? The Mayo Clinic says that friendship supports good lifestyle habits, like exercise and healthy eating. If all it takes is eight minutes a week to reap all these benefits and more, what are you waiting for?
In just eight minutes, you can microwave a baked potato, listen to a couple of songs you love, run a mile, take a shower, or…simply call a friend. So go ahead. Call the friend. (But I would recommend finding time to take that shower, too!)
And remember, no one is limiting your time together to just eight minutes. In these busy seasons, though, agreeing to spend eight minutes connecting with someone you care about doesn’t seem like such a huge sacrifice. I believe that friendship is worth it.