Mission Driven Monday—Making Friends that are Made to Last
THE HARDEST SEASON
My daughter had spinal fusion surgery two weeks ago—for the SECOND time. The surgery was intense, lasting six hours and involving the skilled hands of multiple medical professionals. She now sports two (new) titanium rods down the length of her back, about 20 50-mm long screws, a few bone grafts, and some major pain. She’s out of school for a month. As an eleventh grader, you can imagine THIS IS NOT IDEAL. She’s not only uncomfortable, but also bored and lonely. I wish I could tell you that our home has been filled with friends wanting to hang out with her and keep her company and distract her from this insufferable inconvenience.
But alas…
Teenagers, by nature, are pretty selfish. They have a really hard time thinking about anyone but themselves.
I get it. Surgery is a downer, especially when there’s fall field trips and homecoming dances and birthday parties to attend. Who has time to think about the kid who’s not there?
Is it any wonder that there’s an epidemic of loneliness in this country?
I told Cari Jill that even though this season is pretty sucky, she’s in a unique position to remember what it’s like to feel left out. She gets to be the friend who pays attention when everything isn’t so hunky dory. Through hardship, she’s honing the skills necessary for being an amazing future friend.
The older I get, the more I realize that relationships are work. No longer do tangential things like proximity make for best friends.
So I shared this story with Cari Jill:
For ten years, we lived in a town very close to where my husband and I grew up. There, we built our family, home, and career. I thought we would stay forever. When we moved, I naively thought that I would get invited back for birthday club and book club and the occasional sorority alumnae social. At the very least, a December holiday party. An hour in the car. I could do that, no problem. But the invitations never came, and a stranger soon occupied my place at the table. I had to accept the fact that life and friendships are fluid. When circumstances change, as they surely will, the space you leave behind simply gets filled by something or someone else. Watching your old life float away can be painful, but it’s not the end of the world. That fluidity means you now have the flexibility and availability to invite someone to join you in your new circle.
I’ve come not only to understand this change in relationships, but to welcome it. My life is richer for the new people who share my experiences with values that mirror my own and who inspire me creatively and professionally.
HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
I recently read that people who are the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 are the healthiest (mentally & physically) at 80.
People who had a variety of close relationships—romantic partners, family, friends, or coworkers—were happier and healthier.—The Harvard Study
Isn’t it funny that at 16, we think nothing matters more than our relationships? But in reality, it’s right now, at this age and this stage, that we need to be working hard to ensure that we’ve got the right people in the life boat with us. I would argue that these 16 year-old relationships are good practice for what comes after.
No doubt that we’ll have lots of stories to share in the aftermath of this surgery, but one thing I’m giving thanks for today is the extra time I have with my daughter. Around here, there’s no surly teenager trying to stay out past curfew to hang with friends. She has Mom and Dad, and for now we have to be enough. One thing I’ve gotten to share with her is how my own friends have gathered around our family during this time—sending prayers, gifts, dinners, and daily texts to find out how she’s doing. My friend, Ginny, even came over and sat with her for a whole afternoon!
At 50, we have a better handle on what matters.
This experience has made me realize that I cannot take my friendships for granted. (Now, that’s the understatement of the year!) Here are five ideas for forging bonds that will last a lifetime. They’ve worked for me, and I hope they work for you too.
FIVE IDEAS FOR MEETING FUTURE FRIENDS
Ask someone to do something with you this week. Go for a walk, attend a play, or take a class together.
Start your own club. Book Club. Cooking Club. Dinner Club. Birthday Club. Clubs are fun no matter your age.
Hang out where the people are. There’s a Starbucks in my neighborhood, but any coffee shop, park, or green space will work. Sit outside. The same place every day. Eventually, you’ll begin seeing the same people, and soon enough a conversation will begin organically.
Volunteer. Every nonprofit on the planet needs volunteers, so the chances of you getting rejected there are close to nothing. I just started volunteering with my local arts council. They sponsor a play, concert, or art show nearly every day of the week. I can show up, look busy, and meet people at the same time.
Give gifts. Trader Joe’s has affordable flowers, cards, specialty snacks and candy. Or make something homemade. Who doesn’t love a treat? The Law of Reciprocity ensures you’ll probably see this person again.
Got other ideas? Share them with me! I’d love to know how other grownups are meeting people these days.