“I don’t want to be a different me; I just want to be a BETTER me!”
That’s the message I consistently hear from women. No one wants a different life or even to be a different person. We all just want to be BETTER versions of the people we already are.
So where do we begin?
Here, I think it would be helpful to direct our attention to six areas of focus. During different seasons, you may find that you are thriving in some areas and coming up short in others. In a perfect world, you would be happy and fulfilled on all six axes.
Let’s explore:
1) Spirituality: Our internal well-being
For some, spirituality is deeply connected to religion. For others, it’s all about aspiring to something bigger than ourselves. No matter how you define spirituality, it’s universal. This is also the one area that’s often the easiest to let go because prayer, meditation, and reflection not only take time, but also can be viewed as boring or worse—unproductive. Nothing could be further from the truth. Our sense of the Divine or of God is our connection to the source of creativity.
2) Exercise: physical activity carried out to improve health and fitness
The older you are, the more self-aware you probably are about this area of your life. “Are you getting enough exercise?” our doctor asks at our annual checkup. “Ummm…” we stammer and stutter. What is enough? Is it the amount we want to do? Feel capable of doing? Or is it the amount recommended for a person of our age and gender? No one really agrees on the right amount. Some people say 30 minutes of moderate exercise three times a week is enough to maintain cardiovascular health. For the purposes of this post, I believe it is the amount that makes you feel energetic and whole. Consistent exercise and clean eating are linked to productivity, sleep, and happiness, among other things. Ignoring your body isn’t just bad for your health, it’s bad for your life.
3) Play: Activities of recreation and enjoyment
Why is it that the things that brings us the most joy and that we find the most rewarding are the most elusive? Maybe it’s because even our kids barely have time these days for free play. We are overscheduled and overtired and overworked and overstimulated, and even though we are OVER IT, we find ourselves zoned out in a chair and staring at a screen at the end of every day. What if instead of saying, “I’m done!” we could say, “Let’s go have some fun!” A couple of weeks ago I bought a piñata, filled it with candy, and bashed the be-jesus out of it just for fun. Last weekend, my husband and I tried axe throwing at a friend’s party, and it was satisfyingly cathartic. Make time for play—it’s worth the work!
Speaking of Work…
4) Work: Both paid and unpaid experiences for a purpose
Speaking of work, it’s time to have a little heart-to-heart. Humans were made for work. It is closely tied to our identity and our worth—and I don’t just mean our net worth. Our work is a manifestation of those things we find worthwhile. Because work is so closely tied to who we are, our place in society, and how others view us, we tend to assign great weight to the work we do. It is our calling. We are compelled. People depend on us. We have something to prove. And prove it we will! I would encourage you not to find your identity in your work, but rather to let the work flow from your identity.
5) Friendships: Our relationships
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.”
My youngest daughter and her best friend have known each other since they were both just a year old. I have pictures of them carpooling home from preschool, side-by-side in their little car seats, holding hands across the aisle of my old mini van. Now they’re in middle school, and they go to different schools. We are getting ready to move to a different town, not too far away, but still—I am in my 40s and I know the pain of saying goodbye to dear friends. I also know the pain of friendships that fade due to variations in place or convenience. We were built for connection. You can count your friends on social media, but can you count on them? Will they be the ones to stand by you when it really counts? Fostering friendships, like anything that’s worthwhile, takes work. How you spend time with the people you care about probably looks different than it did in your twenties. No more bar-hopping at 3 AM. But maybe, like me, you’re totally up for a cup of coffee after the kids get off the bus at 3 PM.
And here’s a bonus for those with a significant other:
6) Romance/Adventure: mystery in love and life
If you’re lucky enough to have found “the one,” you are lucky indeed! This person usually gets both the best of us and worst of us. When the other five things on this list are jiving, I think it’s easier to make romance work. When something feels “off,” we tend to shun romance and adventure in favor of more egocentric activities (like binge-watching Netflix and day drinking). I have a few recommendations: The Love or Work podcast and the Lasting app (couple’s counseling right from your phone, right from home). Also, sometimes, the easiest thing to do—and one of the most effective—is simply to spend time together—EVEN WHEN YOU DON’T WANT TO. You don’t even have to do anything fancy. Right now, my true love and I are on “The Great American Taco Hunt.” Date nights are easy and cheap. We feel like we’re doing something fun every week when the reality is we’re just getting a bite to eat. We have to eat anyway!
Adventure, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.
And I think that’s one of the things I love most about the human experience.
Every day is like the “Choose Your Own Adventure” books from our childhood. We get to decide what we’re going to do right now and we get to decide what we’re going to do tomorrow.
If you want to be a Better You, you have to decide what that looks like.