When Kids Feel Patronized
A couple of weeks ago, my son received an unexpected windfall in the form of three surprise checks. The official-looking checks arrived via priority mail from real banks.
Only problem was the checks were fake.
The guy behind the desk at the bank said, “Look, kid, nobody gets free money for no reason. You can cash the checks, the money will appear in your account, then after a few days the checks will probably be flagged as fake, and disappear.”
So my son asked him, “You can’t tell me now if the checks are fake?”
Even though he was being smart by taking the fake checks to the bank to be verified, the guy in charge made him feel dumb.
I often feel like I’m the dumbest person in the room. So it broke my heart to know my kid was feeling that way, too.
The whole thing got me thinking about all the ways we treat our grown-up kids like they’re still “just kids.” They are smart, capable, and intuitive. They don’t need us to talk down to them. Our words carry weight, and these are the ones I want mine to hear:
1. I respect you.
When our kids are little, we demand respect. Children don’t normally address adults by their first names, for example, and when we ask them a question, they are expected to respond with a simple “Yes, ma’am” or “No, sir.” Over time, we hope that our children will come to respect us, not because we’ve demanded it, but because we’ve earned it. In the best relationships, we get to enjoy mutual respect.
“Let parents bequeath to their children not riches, but the spirit of reverence. ”
I want my kids to know that I respect them as people because I love them exactly as they are.
2. I believe in you.
Growing up is hard. Disappointment is inevitable. Emotions threaten to overwhelm even the most normal of days. They need to know that what is important to them is important to us. In this age of technology, of online relationships that sometimes feel more real than the ones we have with the people who live right next door, our kids need to know that the people who raised them have their back.
“You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart…I’ll always be with you.”
I want my kids to know that they are never alone. The hard stuff is made easier when we agree to share our strength.
3. You have choices.
Children without choices never learn to trust their gut instinct. Even very young children need to know that they have control over some decisions. “Do you want to wear the blue shirt or the red one? Do you want chocolate milk or orange juice with your breakfast?” Allowing our children to make their own choices can be frustrating for us; it takes longer, they don’t always do the thing we think is best, and sometimes their choices come with inevitable long-suffering consequences. However, when we allow our children to make their own decisions, we are instilling confidence, a soft skill that will ultimately help them be successful at life. Every time your young adult makes a choice, regardless of the outcome, she builds her decision making muscles. When we continue to make decisions for our kids, our kids don’t learn how to make those decisions for themselves. Those muscles eventually atrophy and become paralyzed. Raising a strong, independent, and confident kid is a badge of honor.
“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”
I want my kids to know that they are uniquely equipped to make the decisions that affect their own futures. I’ll be honored if they want to include me in the conversation, but the choice is always theirs to own.
4. You are responsible for your life.
How many times have you heard some version of this sentiment?
“It wasn’t my fault!”
”I didn’t do it!"
“That’s not fair!”
I like to tell my kids that they are equipped with exactly the skills they need for this moment in time. Their choices have consequences. When we accept our current reality, we are better able to plan for the future. The blame game is a game that no one wins. The best leaders are those who accept responsibility when things are bad and give away credit when things are good. It’s a hard lesson to learn, to be sure, because no one ever wants to admit when they are wrong. Let’s be honest; even as an adult it’s hard to do that.
“Discipline is the gift of responsible love.”
I want my kids to know that their choices, a function of the discipline they practice, are both a responsibility and a privilege.
5. When you disagree, preserve the relationship, not the rules.
The five stages of parenting, according to Andy and Sandra Stanley:
1) Connecting (birth to age one)
2) Disciplining (ages 1-5)
3) Training (ages 6-12)
4) Coaching (ages 13-18) and
5) Friendship (ages 18 and up).
These stages present challenges for both kids and parents because there is no official handbook for raising adults. We learn by trial and a whole bunch of errors. Through all the stages, our kids need to know that we love them unconditionally. That’s a family value I want them to take with them as they transition from child to friend. “As far as it depends on you,” we tell them, “can you love other people like Jesus loves you?”
“You are raising the adult who will one day leave you, not the child who is right in front of you.”
As parents, we need to remember that nothing undermines a relationship more than a broken promise.
What’s Next?
My favorite book for navigating the nuances of parenting older kids is How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success by Julie Lythcott-Haims.
(FYI—Gavin didn’t cash those bogus checks. The best part? I didn’t have to tell him not to do it. That’s something he figured out all by himself. He’s too old to hold my hand, but that boy will always have my heart.) ❤️
Anything you would add to this list? As always, comments, questions, and suggestions welcome.
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