Some of you know that I majored in Biology in college. Although I don’t work in a lab or a hospital, I still find ways to incorporate science into my everyday life.
But first, a story:
When I was in the fifth grade, our English class partnered with an English class in North Dakota to embark on a year-long writing assignment: Mandatory penpals. Back then, I was an avid letter writer, and I couldn’t wait to make a new friend across the country. As the teacher flicked through the first stack of letters, she paused.
“Chantel, there’s a girl here with your name!”
And suddenly, instead of feeling different and weird, (like most pre-teens), I discovered somebody else in the world who had something uniquely in common with me—my name!
That tiny connection opened a door that turned into years of authentic correspondence, and ultimately a long-distance friendship.
As I’ve gotten older and my circle of influence has expanded, I’ve met more and more people who share my name. Unfortunately, I don’t get quite the same thrill as I did that very first time back in 1985.
Most of my introductions happen because somebody I already know wants to introduce me to somebody they know. “Hey, we have the same name!” might elicit nothing more than a fist bump. I have to work harder to turn random connections into real friendships.
But I’m a sucker for tips, tricks, and hacks that make life easier.
So what if I told you there was a trick to help you connect with people you’ve just met? You would want that trick, wouldn’t you?
I learned this one from watching reruns of 30 Rock, and you’ll be interested to know that it has its roots in psycho-biological behavior science.
Here goes:
When someone introduces you to someone else and the potential new friend responds with “Nice to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you.”
You can say, “It’s all true. I AM a caesar salad enthusiast, and I DO own more than twenty different professional soccer team jerseys.” (That’s my son Aaron)
But mine would be: “It’s all true. I DO believe chocolate is its own food group, and I HAVE been building a rubber band ball since 1996.”
It’s sort of a variation of that ice-breaker game called Two Truths and a Lie, except in this case you do the icebreaker without anyone even telling you to do it, and the things you say are ALL true.
Hopefully, the two fun facts you share about yourself will prompt another question from the curious bystander. If you’re lucky, they may share two things about themselves. It’s not foolproof, but it is unexpected.
And if there’s anything I know about the human brain, it’s that it craves the unexpected.
Novelty makes things interesting, which ensures that information gets remembered. And don’t we all want to be MEMORABLE?
I’m an introvert, and I used to worry that since I wasn’t the loudest or the funniest one in the room, no one would want to talk to me, let alone remember me after the party ended.
But being remembered has nothing to do with being loud or funny and everything to do with being unpredictable.
The brain is always searching for new connections. It’s how we learn. Researchers have found that novelty causes a number of brain systems to become activated, and foremost among these is the dopamine system.
What Dopamine Does
Dopamine signals your brain to give it more of what it craves. When you encounter a novel or unexpected experience, your brain releases dopamine, and that feels good. Breaking the cycle encourages associative learning. That means, when you hear “I’ve heard a lot about you” you shouldn’t say, “I hope it’s all been good,” or “Nice” or something else that’s part of our natural social script. Say something the person isn’t expecting! That’s how we become more interesting and make others more interested in us.
Another interesting fact about dopamine is that nearly every drug that people abuse has an effect on the dopamine system (as do chocolate, money, sex, and many other addictive things). Again, the role of dopamine is not in the pleasure that one may get from the drug, but in establishing the craving that keeps one coming back for more, even after the drug has lost its pleasurable effects.
This cycle of motivation-reward-and-reinforcement encourages associative learning. Everyone has something beautiful to contribute to the world, and there’s an easy way to ensure you actually get to share that wonderful self. Keep people on their toes by flipping the script. Whenever you are introduced to someone new, say something unexpected, and chances are the person who normally moans, “I’m terrible with names!” won’t have a chance to say that about you.