Mission Driven Monday—Beyond Assumptions: No More Failed Relationships
Mission Driven Monday continues with a short post for you to think about this week. Today, we’re talking about how false assumptions affect both work and relationships. I hope you find it helpful!
“Well, I didn’t see THAT coming!”
And no, I’m not talking about that snowball that hit you in the back of the head last Christmas.
I’m talking about the big things, those crises in our lives that edged into our blind spot when we weren’t paying attention.
I used to have a good friend who called me daily, stopped by my house multiple times a week, and joined several clubs I led. A few years ago, she asked me out to lunch. Over chips and salsa, while we were laughing and having a good time, suddenly she just...broke up with me.
I felt like I had been punched in the gut.
In so many words, she told me the Bible Study I led was nothing more than a book club, that the Favorite Things party I planned didn’t include her favorite people, and Dinner Club, while fun, just didn’t “fit into her schedule.” Then, with with a flip of her hair and no further adieu she quipped, “Let’s eat!”
Wait. WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
This week at a gathering of leaders I heard someone say that every business ultimately fails because of false assumptions.
Every business ultimately fails because of false assumptions.
FALSE ASSUMPTIONS
But this isn’t just true for business.
It’s true for conversations.
Books.
Hobbies.
And of course, our relationships.
Become too focused on yourself and your world and it’s easy to miss what’s happening around you.
I’m guessing there was a lot more my friend wanted to say to me. Whatever fallacies the Bible Study, Favorite Things Party, and Dinner Club had, what she said about them weren’t the real reasons she didn’t want to be my friend anymore.
I didn’t see it coming because I wasn’t really looking.
In life, there are things we want to be true. We pull the wishbone, cross our fingers, even pray. We think that if we concentrate hard enough, we can WISH every hope and every dream to be true. But what’s real is not always ideal.
And that’s where the gap lies.
We see what we want to see.
I left lunch that day in utter and complete shock. I kept replaying the conversation in my head. Did what I think just happened actually happen? Did my “good friend” really say that she didn’t want to hang out with me anymore?
I’ll be honest. It took a few days to recover from that one. I was forty years old, and I had been rejected by boys, schools, and employers, but never by another woman. It was weird to say the least.
What I love about the false assumption statement is that it simplifies failure. And like most aphorisms, this one can be applied to a multitude of disciplines. Mistakes don’t have to be complicated. In our personal lives, when people don’t act or respond the way we think they should, it might be because we made a false assumption about the nature of the relationship. It might be because we made a false assumption about what was important to that person. It might be because wee failed to account for our friend’s past experiences, current needs, or future desires. In the case of my friend, maybe she just didn’t like me.
(Yes, Mom. It’s true. There are some people who don’t like me.)
We don’t see life from their perspective because we are wholly focused on our own.
Nowadays, I’m learning how to look at everything in my life with a lens of objectivity. Trust me: it’s taking a lot of practice. Getting frustrated and angry is easy. Being patient and understanding is hard. Our instinct is to defend ourselves at all costs. What if, instead, we absorbed the new information for what it is? Just information! And information is neutral.
I’m asking myself questions like these:
Is there anything I’m choosing not to see?
Do I need to adjust my own internal mirrors to account for any blind spots?
Is there a framework for making better decisions?
I believe the answer to all these questions is a resounding YES.
THE RIGHT PEOPLE MATTER
Better decisions often happen in the context of great relationships. We get to choose the people we want to speak into our lives.
And that’s all my friend did that day. Our time together wasn’t a waste of time per se, but it wasn’t the best use of time—clearly not for her and not for me, either. I’m choosing to believe she stayed in the relationship as long as she did out of respect. There are lots of good people in the world. We don’t have to be best friends with all of them. Because she wanted something different for her life, she had to bravely walk away.
We do, however, get to choose the people who share our values, inspire our adventures, affirm and (when necessary) challenge our choices. As this year draws to a close, Gavin and I decided that we want to be very intentional about the people we invite into our inner circle. No more living small!
The most devastating assumption: thinking that we have to continue doing the same thing we’ve always done long after those activities no longer serve us.
When conversation breaks down or relationships fall away, as they surely will, it can feel devastating. No one likes rejection. But it’s normal, and it’s okay.
When rejection comes out of nowhere, it’s time to uncover our blind spots. Most blind spots, after all, can be avoided. All we have to do is:
1) Adjust the mirrors. (What is being reflected back to me?)
2) Look around. (Is there anything else I should be paying attention to right now?)
3) Move slowly. (Explore all the options. Avoid jumping to conclusions too early.)
I could share story upon story of assumptions I had that were absolutely wrong, of things I wanted to be true that just didn’t work out. Failures are nothing more than opportunities to make a different (better) choice the next time you have a chance. I’ll tell you one thing: I pay more attention to my surroundings—I was really sad when my old friend walked away. At first. Like I said, I didn’t see it coming. But her absence made room for something better for both of us. She found her people. And she gave me permission to find mine.
Do you also have a story of something you didn’t see coming? How did you react? What did you learn? Simply reply to this email, or tell me in the comments below!