We’re about to get really intimate.
If you’ve ever longed to be understood, this post is for you.
If you’ve ever felt lonely.
Weird.
Marginalized.
If you’ve ever said out loud to no one or everyone, “You don’t understand me,” then please—keep reading.
I’ve got a solution for you.
I’ve never been the engineering type. I don’t really care how things work. I just care that they work. At home, I expect things to work. When they don’t, I can get pretty frustrated.
My favorite appliance is probably my oven. Boring? Maybe. But to be fair, my oven is pretty fancy.
It came with a user manual, although I have to be honest. I don’t think I’ve ever actually used it. After all, I’ve been living and eating indoors for 48 years, and I’ve never not had access to an oven. So when we moved into our new house two years ago, I assumed I would be able to roast a chicken with no problem. Never mind that on day one I couldn’t even turn the oven on. After several failed attempts of trying every button imaginable, opening and closing the doors a few times, and even checking the pilot light, I ended up calling the builder, only to discover there’s two concentric knobs, and both have to be adjusted in order for the heating element to begin doing its thing.
Who knew?
Did I learn my lesson?
No, I did not.
I still haven’t read the user manual.
And I’ve encountered more than a few problems since (You just heard about the first). Currently, all my settings are in French. I have no idea how to change them 😳🤦♀️. And I’ve undoubtedly missed some important features. Features I could have been using if only I knew how.
So 99% of the time, I turn the oven to “Bake” and set the temp for 350 degrees. And 99% of the time that works. But maybe the things I cook would turn out even better if I used the “proofing” function when I make homemade bread or tried “convection mode” every once in awhile in lieu of dragging out the air fryer.
I treat my oven like my relationships. I’ve been using an oven all my life. Surely I know what to do.
But like people, this oven has its own way of doing things. It’s special. Complicated.
Cue the PERSONAL USER MANUAL
I recently came across an interesting article about Personal User Manuals. These user manuals are for individuals who want to tell their employees how to interact with them—a brilliant idea and not to be confused with a personnel manual, which is more like an employee handbook that outlines the policies, procedures, and expectations for working in a company.
B.O.R.I.N.G.
A Personal Manual, on the other hand, is a document that says, “This is how I work best. If you want to partner with me, this is what you need to know.” The document outlines how you like to work, collaborate, communicate, and receive feedback. It’s primarily used by CEOs and creative types.
It got me thinking.
I like the idea of creating a Personal User Manual, and no, not so I can pass it out during family meetings. I’m not that crazy. I think the personal manual could be a useful tool for understanding ourselves, sort of like a journaling prompt on steroids. Writing is thinking, after all.
These are the six subject prompts for work. I’ve altered the questions following for personal reflection and growth.
Trust me, I know this is a little weird.
But let’s stick with it—just for kicks and giggles.
Introduction: This is your opportunity to summarize where you’ve been and who you are. Maybe a little bit about where you grew up, how it influenced the decisions you made about school and work. How did you get to your current place?
Environment: Think about your ideal living conditions. What are your daily rhythms? How do your rhythms align with the responsibilities you have both at home and at work? How does your work inside the home integrate with your work outside of it?
Communication: What’s the best way to communicate with you? A shared calendar? A weekly meeting? A heart-to-heart at a specific time every day? Are you an external processor or an internal processor?
Feedback: How would like to receive feedback? Do you invite others to help you evaluate what’s happening in your life or is this a project for you and you alone? If the feedback has the potential for conflict, do you want to talk about it right away or do you need time to cool down? Maybe you like to save encouraging cards and emails that people send to you. Maybe you already have a system in place that includes the question: “How did I do today?”
Support: How can the people who live with you best support you? What are your strengths and weaknesses? Goals for personal growth? Where would you like to improve? Do you need time alone? Do you need help with chores? Would it be helpful to keep lists of places you’d like to visit, vacation spots, and ideas for date nights or girl getaways, so that when you are feeling overwhelmed you already have an index of go-to getaways? Maybe you’d like to start keeping a list of encouraging Bible verses, a list of friends you can call day or night, or a list of everyday activities for fostering peace and prosperity.
Favorites: What are your favorite TV shows, movies, books, restaurants, music, and gifts? (Feel free to leave your personal manual open to this page close to key holidays 😉).
For What It’s Worth
You know, my oven gets used every single day. It works just fine—even though I’ve never read the user manual. I would say it’s “adequate." On a scale of 1-5, I’ll give it a 3.5. It gets the job done. We eat muffins and baked chicken and roasted vegetables. I bake cakes and prepare potatoes myriad ways. But I know I’m not using the oven to its full potential. This expensive, professional grade appliance essentially does the same job as a $150 countertop toaster.
Even though it’s worth far more.
When I googled, “Why is my oven so expensive?” you know what Google said? "
The price increases due to the quality of internal components used to build the product and make it as long-lasting as possible.
Because the Personal Manual is a deep-dive into our souls, I wondered what God might say about those innermost parts. Turns out, he agrees with Google.
Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. —-1 Peter 3:4
I’m being a little facetious when I suggest creating a personal manual for your life, but maybe it’s not that far-fetched after all. Wasn’t it Socrates who said “Know thyself?”
If you created a personal user manual I can only imagine that it would make you more aware of your own idiosyncrasies and quirks.
Understanding ourselves is the first step in understanding others.
And relationships are big business.
There’s games for getting to know one another better. Who’s tried UnCurated or Toilet Tag? And then there’s apps like Lasting and Better Help, not to mention the retreats and adventure programs all with one lofty goal: helping people connect in meaningful ways.
It all boils down to this, though: I can’t expect someone else to understand me if I haven’t opened myself up to being understood.
So tell me, who out there is brave enough to compile a PERSONAL USER MANUAL?